am i enough?

i am getting it from all sides.  the idea that who i am right now is enough.  to put a twist on the nester's motto - i don't have to be perfect to be beautiful.  i am worth it righ now, just the way i am.  of course there is always the need to self evaluate and see where we can improve, but even then, no matter what state you are in, you are enough.  i have learned this lesson the hard way, and i am still struggling to make it stick.

the first time that this idea of "being good enough right now", was introduced to me was about 2 years ago when i was checked into the psych ward of the hospital on suicide watch.  i had just had a baby boy and was struggling with major post partum depression and anxiety.  i think it was a culmination of years of low self esteem, the inablilty to feel like i was doing a good job as a mom to my older two so how could i possibly have another one,  and the fact that i couldn't do anything right.  i was tired all the time and i wasn't perfect and would never even come close.  add to that the fact that my hormones and chemicals were going berserk and you get one mess of a woman.

in one of our therapy classes that week we learned about being okay with who you are.  that perfection is never the answer and that we are worth all the good life has to offer.  being on new medicine and sleeping pills to help with the depression, i don't think that i fully took in what that class had to offer, but i knew that it was where i wanted to be.  okay with myself.

now two years later here i am again. depressed and confused by it because i am on antidepressants.  shouldn't this have gone away yet.  i am sleeping 14 hours a day, trying to take care of myself and my family, which isn't working.  i have no motivation to do anything.  even sitting and watching tv is boring me.  i just want to sleep.  i knew something was still wrong but no one knew how to help me. 

well, after praying and praying for a doctor that would know what to do, i found him.  he said it sounded like i had been treating some of my chemical imbalance, but not all of it.  he prescribed some new meds and now i feel wonderful.  i haven't felt this good ever.  i am happy and smiling and motivated and feel like a new person. 

anyway, the point of all this is that he talked to me about being good enough.  he even gave me an article to read entitled "the good enough mom."  i am finally starting to realize that perfection is depressing.  you can't be everything to everyone.  you can't bake the cookies, and help with homework, and go to dance and soccer practice and keep the house clean, and do everything for everyone, everyday.  it will make you go crazy.  now i know that there are some super moms out there who can do all of these things, and that is great for you.  your personal best is way higher than mine in that area of life.  but we're different.  i can't do all of that, and that is OKAY!  for once i get it.  it is OKAY to be normal and to have struggles and to have a dirty house but happy kids because you took the time to talk to them or play with them. or even unhappy kids because you need some alone time.  being perfect is way overrated.  and it isn't real.  you have to be okay with who you are right now.  not when you loose 50 lbs, or after you learn to make those intricatley sewn booties for your new baby, or have made the perfect meal, or even done something nice for your neighbor.  you are enough NOW.

the other day i stumbled across the blog "mother may i" and she is having an I AM ENOUGH collaboration.  it got me thinking that i really want to feel like i am enough.  way down deep in my soul.  it is going to be a long journey for me.  i am dealing with a lot right now in the "learning to love yourself" department, but this is something i need.  for me.  for my family.  for our sanity.  so i am taking this year to do just that.  to discover for myself that i am enough.  i hope you'll take it with me.

megan